A friend of mine said to me recently, 'Have you always been this positive?' Which I thought was a funny reaction to a conversation where I was being what I think of as my pretty cynical self. But I think what he was noting was my level of acceptance … and I just can't use all the emotional energy to be angry or frustrated.
I think a lot in my work as a therapist, I had always incorporated a lot of mindfulness techniques to the patients who might be receptive so I did a lot of meditation, I started journaling. And reflecting just a lot on where I am now, what this means to me and what’s next … Because the unknown is too big of a monster to get tangled up in.
I said, 'How do I know I'm stressed because I don't feel stressed?' She said, 'You are really stressed.' She said, 'How many times a day do you either think or say the word asshole?' I was like, 'Oops.' … She said, "You need to really get rid of the assholes." I realized I had to get rid of all the cancers in my life, not just the one in my breast.
I got in the car and I didn't really know where I was going. I had no plans. I drove to the beach. I shut my phone off and I just parked in Atlantic City, on a random street, and just walked a lot … I actually have a sea shell that I picked up that day that I have still and I carried it with me for every chemo. I just needed me time.
You still have bad minutes, bad hours, even bad days. You just can't live there. You can't stay there. Everyone should allow themselves ... I think people feel bad allowing themselves to have bad days. If there's a day you need to just lay in bed all day or lock yourself in your room and play your music or block everybody out it's okay but then tomorrow you can't do that.